


Vertigo

by Imogen_LeFay



Series: Paging Dr. Smythe [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: And Bungee Jumping, Idiots in Love, Is that still a thing? That used to be a thing, M/M, Right?, mild anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24753175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imogen_LeFay/pseuds/Imogen_LeFay
Summary: Blaine liked the person he was around Sebastian. Of course, he was trying to be the most fun he could be.But they’d only been dating for three months. Some overcompensation was normal at the beginning of a relationship. The time would come, but it was far off.Until it wasn’t.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
Series: Paging Dr. Smythe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1790026
Comments: 7
Kudos: 46





	Vertigo

**Author's Note:**

> I found the cure to Writers' Block - just write something else!
> 
> This is kind of a sequel to Asystole as in it happens afterwards. I had thoughts of making a mini-verse about Sebastian as a doctor, reconnecting with Blaine after years not only to have a setting for stories but also as an outlet for stressful work encounters. Then the pandemic hit and I wanted my writing to be as far away from medicine as possible. Now I've come to the compromise that in their world, there just is no pandemic.   
> So there might be medical themes in the verse, but none related to current events.  
> Also, this one has nothing to do with Sebastian's job, so yay! 
> 
> Instead it's focussed on Blaine and his unfortunate tendency to doubt himself. Because that's fun, right?

* * *

The thing was, Sebastian always kept him on his toes.

Blaine liked to think it started when Sebastian called him out of the blue, in desperate need to talk to someone after losing a patient, and it was one surprise after the other since then. But that wasn’t quite true. Really, it had been like that since the day they met, from the moment Sebastian had met his eye, taken his hand and pulled him into a performance – a strange mixture of just having fun and dancing, and doing his best to keep up with the new choreography elements. In a way their conversations, in text, in chat, over the phone and over coffee, had been like that – exciting and fun, liberating in a way Blaine hadn’t been used to, never thinking about censoring himself, and still, Sebastian’s wit and sarcasm had always kept him on his toes. He had definitely revealed more of himself back then than Sebastian had, but he’d learned a thing or two.

And now?

Sebastian could be shaken and upset over work one night, and all grins and little jokes the next. He’d join Blaine in pop culture discussions, and effortlessly switch into explaining Blaine just where a particular ache came from. There were a million things they did – old favorites, like getting coffee, doing karaoke, dancing, and new things, like bouldering, or escape rooms. One time, they’d been invited to a paint ball game by some people Sebastian knew from med school. They ended up on different teams, and eventually came face to face. What ensued was a reenactment of the climax of Die Hard, that only ended when both their teammates got so tired of it that they started shooting the both of them. They went home early, giddy, and slightly bruised, with color all over their clothes. Sebastian kissed him, his thumb leaving a smear of yellow on his cheek. It was still there in the morning, when Blaine untangled himself from the sheets, and with a look back at his sleeping boyfriend, he saw more smudges of colors on his bare skin.

Blaine didn’t know what to expect with Sebastian, and he hadn’t had this much fun in years.

He liked spending time with Sebastian, his jokes, his sarcasm, that glint in his eyes when he talked about something he was passionate about. He liked their little inside jokes and games. He liked that he never had to worry about saying the wrong thing, never had to hide himself away. They disagreed sometimes, and their discussions could get heated, but he knew they could agree to disagree, and at the end of the day, Sebastian would still look at him like that. He really liked the way Sebastian looked at him. He liked how he could relax around Sebastian, even when he was on his toes – like he didn’t know what to expect, but he didn’t have to perform, could just be himself, and even if he was judged, he just knew Sebastian liked him anyway.

He liked the person he was around Sebastian.

Of course, he was trying to be the most fun he could be. Whenever there was a little voice in his head telling him to step back, not to go along, complaining about discomfort, he told it to shut up. Sebastian was incredible, and Blaine was trying to match him, show that he too could be fun, and exciting, and keep his boyfriend’s attention. In quiet moments, when he was lying in bed, he admitted to himself that it wasn’t completely sustainable. There would come the point when there’d be something he really wouldn’t be comfortable with. Or maybe just a day when he wasn’t up to go partying, or try that new restaurant, or whatever new activity Sebastian heard of. At some point, he wouldn’t be able to hide that he, well, was _not_ as much fun as Sebastian, and at that point, they’d have to see if their connection was strong enough to overcome that difference.

But they’d only been dating for three months. Some overcompensation was normal at the beginning of a relationship. So, he shut up that voice, and went to sleep. The time would come, but it was far off.

Until it wasn’t.

Funny that it didn’t hit him until they were standing at the edge of the bridge, looking down into what looked like an unholy abyss. It was just a valley, of course, and probably not even that deep. Deep enough to kill him on impact, sure, but not an actual gate to hell.

It might as well be.

This was the dumbest idea he ever had. Well, technically it had been Sebastian’s idea, but why on earth hadn’t Blaine realized that this was too much? There had been so many steps on the way here where he could have stopped, right from the moment Sebastian mentioned a friend of his could give them a deal for a trip away from the city, do some pseudo-outdoor stuff – “outdoor for city people” he’d called it. Three days at a hotel, an alibi hike, and lots of shots in front of a fireplace.

And bungee jumping.

Why exactly didn’t this feeling settle in, didn’t make him speak up the second Sebastian said the words “bungee jumping”?

It wasn’t even that Blaine was scared of heights. So maybe sometimes, when he looked down from a great height, like a high balcony, or an observation platform, he got intrusive thoughts, about how easily he could take a step forward, tumble into nothing, just stop. But these were intrusive thoughts, immediately followed by taking a step back. It was completely different to stand on a bridge, looking down into what might as well be nothing, preparing to jump. And still, here he was.

He felt himself shivering, knew there was a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead. He just hoped it was not as obvious as it felt.

Sebastian didn’t seem to have any discomfort at all. He was chatting with their instructor, like they were old acquaintances. Clearly, this wasn’t the first time for him. He was grinning, relaxed, seemed really happy. He was beautiful like this, boyish excitement shining from his eyes, and Blaine looked at him, and felt even more dread in the pit of his stomach when he realized, oh, wow he could absolutely love him. It was a scary thought in itself. They’d just started dating, and love felt like a word too heavy, too soon, and Blaine knew he fell too fast, too quickly, and Sebastian…

He couldn’t scare him off.

He couldn’t lose him.

But he couldn’t do this.

Sebastian said something to the instructor, turning to Blaine, and suddenly, everything was in slow-motion. It felt like Blaine had to commit this moment to memory, the carefree grin, the sparkle in his eyes… and then, frame by frame, it started to fall as he took a look at Blaine’s face. The grin disappeared, his brows creased into a frown, the sparkle ceded to a sharp focus.

“Blaine? Are you okay?”

He considered it for a moment, slapping on a mask, grinning and saying that of course he was okay, let’s get this started! But he knew, he couldn’t. And if he tried, Sebastian would see through it right away. Instead, he took a deep breath, and another one, and then Sebastian was right there, in his space, holding his arms.

“Blaine, talk to me,” he said. His voice was loud, but calm – not hurried, but controlled, and on some level, Blaine wondered if that was how he talked to patients in the ER. “Come on, sit down.” Sebastian slowly pushed him to the ground, leaning him against one of the pillars of the bridge. It was a good idea, Blaine hadn’t noticed how weak his knees had gotten. Sebastian’s hand on his cheek was warm, the skin slightly rough, and yet, somehow grounding him. “Breathe,” Sebastian said. “Just focus on that right now, okay? That’s all you have to do. In…” He inhaled. “Out.” An exhale. “Good. Breathe with me. Just like that, good.” He smiled, all encouragement, and Blaine followed.

“Everything okay?” the instructor asked.

“Give us a moment,” Sebastian said over his shoulder, and there was a note of annoyance in his voice. He turned back to Blaine, apparently happy with what he saw. “Hey. Better?”

Blaine nodded. “Thanks,” he muttered.

Sebastian watched him, and Blaine had an idea what he was thinking, analyzing the symptoms, probably forming a diagnosis in his head. Hyperventilation, possibly incipient panic attack.

“I can’t do this,” Blaine said softly, avoiding eye contact.

Sebastian snorted. “Really?”

Blaine looked back, trying not to feel hurt. Of course, Sebastian wouldn’t be happy about this. Guilt battled with the embarrassment slowly blooming inside him. It was not like this was cheap. If Blaine had figured out his limits sooner, he could have saved Sebastian some money, not to mention time.

Sebastian’s expression softened slightly, and he rolled his eyes. “You know, as a doctor, I couldn’t let you go through with this if you begged me to.”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said, looking down again.

Sebastian sighed. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I get it. This isn’t exactly for everyone. I should be sorry for taking you here. I just… I didn’t know you’re scared of heights?”

Blaine shook his head. “I’m… no. I’m not. Not usually. But this is just…” He sighed. “I don’t know. I just… I can’t do this. I don’t know what it is. I just… I’m sorry.”

“Will you stop apologizing? I told you, it’s okay.” Sebastian sank down beside him. Blaine wished he could lean against him, but he wasn’t quite sure whether he had the right.

“We did this whole trip though,” Blaine said, looking down. “Could have saved us the trouble, if…”

“If you’d known how you’d react in an extreme situation you’ve never been in?” Sebastian asked. “Yeah, real dick move of you, not being a clairvoyant.”

“The whole trip though…”

“There are more things to do here than jumping off a bridge,” Sebastian said, ignoring his point. “It’s still time away from the city. A fireplace. Shots. A hotel room.” He sighed, turning to Blaine. “We really don’t have to do this. What, you think I’m more invested in jumping off a bridge than you being okay? This is supposed to be fun, Blaine. You’re clearly not having fun.”

And there it was. The real problem. Being fun.

“You had this whole thing planned,” Blaine said softly. “And I’m just… ruining it.”

And for a second, Sebastian stopped, like finally he realized they were approaching a real problem. One that might wreck this whole thing they’d started to build, and Blaine wished he could turn back time. But before he could say anything, they were interrupted by the instructor.

“Guys, is this happening or not?”

“Not,” Sebastian said. He got back to his feet, before leaning down. He took Blaine’s arms and pulled him up. “Come on, let’s get back to the hotel,” he said. His voice was soft, but finally, he seemed bothered. He kept his arm on Blaine, as if he didn’t trust him not to stumble. Blaine allowed himself to focus on the warmth he exuded, tried to memorize this too. When they got back to their room, they would have to talk about this, and right now, he couldn’t really see a good outcome. So, he’d take this, the small signs of care and concern, even as a little voice in his mind wondered if this was just Sebastian’s bedside manner kicking in.

They were quiet on the ride back. Sebastian still kept an arm around him. Blaine’s eyes closed, and he tried to enjoy it while he still could. He couldn’t help but think he’d ruined it. He should have known he couldn’t keep up with Sebastian indefinitely.

He turned at that, leaned his head against Sebastian’s shoulder, breathed him in. Now that he’d messed up, it hit him with so much more force, how much he wanted this. Sebastian pulled him closer, pressed a kiss into his hair, and kept him there.

Maybe not all hope was lost.

When they were back at their room, Sebastian walked straight to the kitchenette. Blaine wasn’t sure what to do with himself, so he grabbed a hoodie and sat down on the bed. He was feeling cold, a slight shaking in his hands. More than anything, he felt stupid.

Sebastian walked over a few minutes later and pushed a steaming cup into his hand. Blaine took a look at the dark brown liquid, tiny white marshmallows bopping on top.

Sebastian shrugged. “You look like you need a bit of sugar,” he said.

Blaine smiled, although it ended up a bit wobbly.

Sebastian was watching him, carefully. And Blaine knew, he could certainly buy time, sipping his hot chocolate, and waiting for Sebastian to start talking. But he felt that he should start this conversation. He just didn’t know how to start.

“I’m sorry,” he said, flinching immediately. This was probably the last thing Sebastian wanted to hear, more apologies.

His boyfriend sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Blaine… what is going on here?” he asked eventually. “Did I miss something? Because you’re acting really strange, and… I don’t get it.”

“It’s stupid,” Blaine said. “I thought I could do this. I wanted to, I did. I just…” He sighed. “I wanted to be fun,” he said.

Sebastian looked at him like was some puzzle he was trying to figure out. “What are you talking about? You are fun.”

Blaine snorted, looking away. “Yeah, I’m a freaking riot,” he muttered. “I don’t think I can keep up with you.” And there it was, out in the open for all to see. He looked up at Sebastian, and yes, this time the words had hit, straight through all defenses and right to the heart of the matter.

Sebastian stared at him, and for a moment he looked young, vulnerable, hhurt.

Blaine frowned. Hurt? That didn’t fit in.

“Keep up with me?” Sebastian repeated, frowning. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Blaine wondered for a moment how to put it in words. Sebastian was still watching him, waiting.

“You’re… a lot of the time, you’re just… out there.” Not the strongest beginning, but he’d bring his point across. “And I love that. I’ve been doing a lot of stuff I hadn’t even thought of before. Like laser tag, or paintball… there are those weird restaurants you suggest, and several times I wasn’t sure, but I gave them a try, because… You know, when you’re enthusiastic about something, it’s kind of contagious.” He looked up, trying to catch Sebastian’s eyes.

He looked at him with an expression of fond confusion. “Funny, coming from you,” he said, with a hint of a smile.

Blaine rolled his eyes. “It’s just… I want to try new things with you. I really do. And sometimes I step a bit out of my comfort zone, and sometimes it ends up really amazing, and sometimes I realize ‘yeah, this is not my thing’, and it’s still okay. But… I sometimes feel like I can’t keep up with you. Because sometimes I don’t really feel like going out. Or try out an exotic restaurant. Or do some extreme sports. And…” he sighed, looking to his hands. “I don’t want you to get bored of me.”

There was silence between them for a moment. Blaine kept his eyes on his hands, focusing on breathing slowly – in… pause… out… pause – as he waited for the verdict.

“I hate poetry slams.”

Confused, Blaine looked up. Sebastian was still watching him carefully, but the confusion had given way to determination.

“I do. I think they’re stupid, and they only exist for those hipster types that order their vegan non-fat mocha with sugar free caramel syrup, hang over their MacBook and explain to you that you’re not actually a fan if you can’t recite a band’s complete discography including year of release and color of the shirt the singer is wearing on the cover. And don’t get me started on what they call poetry.”

Blaine frowned. They’d gone to poetry slams two or three times, and he couldn’t remember Sebastian complaining about it. “You liked some of the poems,” he said.

Sebastian shrugged. “I did. I really hated most of them, though. And I knew before that I don’t particularly like poetry slams. But you sounded really enthusiastic, so I figured… hey, worst case scenario I’ll have to pretend I’m deaf and just focus on your reactions. It wasn’t completely awful. Just not my cup of tea.”

“What are you-“

“I’m also not a fan of Zumba classes. I mostly agreed to come because your ass looks amazing in those pants. But then the class starts and I’m too busy not to pop an aneurysm to appreciate it.”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is, you think you’re the only one trying to impress? You know, I’m also going along with things for you. That’s normal, Blaine. It’s called compromise. We can’t always like exactly the same things, that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It just means we can branch out to new things.”

Blaine bit his lip. He hadn’t thought of it like that, hadn’t even considered that Sebastian might be overcompensating too. He wasn’t sure why. Hadn’t he told himself it was normal? Then why had he assumed it was only him?

Maybe because deep down it came back to the same fear.

“You won’t get bored of me?”

And then, Sebastian actually rolled his eyes. “I’ve wanted you since high school,” he said. “Trust me, I won’t.” He shook his head. “I should be the one fretting, since it’s a miracle you give me the time of a day in the first place.”

“What?” Blaine stared at him. Ridiculous.

Sebastian sighed. “I keep forgetting, you still have no idea how exceptional you are.” As Blaine watched, Sebastian went down on one knee in front of him, taking his hands. “I’ve been trying to impress you, to seem cool and sophisticated, or whatever. And you know, poetry slams might not be my cup of tea, but it’s kind of worth it to see your reactions. I’m fine with going along with something you’re into, and I hope you feel the same about things I suggest. But I never ever want you to pretend to be someone you’re not. And I definitely don’t want you to push yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with.”

Blaine stared at him, his hands closing around Sebastian’s absent-mindedly. “This is the first time I was really uncomfortable,” he assured him, “and I’m not trying to be someone I’m not. More like…” He had the words almost at the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn’t find them.

Sebastian looked to their hands, then up at him. “More like the best version of yourself?” he suggested. There was something hopeful in his expression, and Blaine found himself slowly starting to smile.

“We’re both kind of dumb, aren’t we?” he asked.

Sebastian chuckled. “Kind of, yeah.”

Blaine couldn’t help but laugh. It all seemed to dissolve, all the worries and concern, the actual fear earlier that this was it, that he was losing Sebastian before things had actually really started. And then, Sebastian was surging up, kissing him, right there, just where Blaine needed him, and…

A splash of hot liquid hit his jeans, and he laughed even more as he put down the cup onto the nightstand. Sebastian stepped back, and when Blaine looked up to him, he was grinning. He, too, seemed relieved.

“I need you to know, I’m serious about this,” Sebastian said when they both calmed down a bit. “That I’m not going anywhere. I know I have a past, and I haven’t been the most committed person in the past. But you? That’s different. I’d do anything to keep you in my life. Even go to a poetry slam. Or your New Directions reunion.”

Blaine laughed, shaking his head. “You don’t have to come,” he said.

“But you asked me, so I will,” Sebastian replied. “Just as I know you don’t really care about going to this presentation I’m giving next week, but you’ll come for me. Those are details, Blaine. I think we’ll figure out the details, if we agree on the important things.” He hesitated, and for a moment he looked a bit unsure.

Blaine pushed to his feet, he put a hand onto Sebastian’s arm and let it slide down to his hand. “I’m serious, too. I’m in, Sebastian. I want this.”

When Sebastian kissed him, it was still there, this feeling of vertigo. Except now, it felt like there was solid ground beneath his feet.

Love was too strong a word, too soon, too easy. But right now, with Sebastian pulling him closer, and kissing him as if this was the last night of the world, it felt as if the future opened up. He couldn’t know for sure yet. But this?

Yeah.

This could be it.


End file.
